It’s been coming on for a while now. A whisper here, a subtle hint there. But today it arrived.
The last few weeks I've been struck with insatiable thirst, ingesting Scripture wholesale in bursts. This is a welcome change to the dryness that has characterized my walk as of late. But with that has come a growing sense of uneasiness in my spirit, especially in the last few days. It’s that old familiar feeling. God has had something coming down the pike for a while now, and I've only just realized what it is in these last few minutes.
It started today at my lunch break. I was struck with the sudden urge to read Revelation; not a section, or even a couple of chapters, but the whole thing. So I did. And then when I was done, I had the urge to read the last half or so of Daniel. So I did. At that point I’d used almost my whole allotted lunch hour, so I stopped. But I did open my devotional e-journal to quickly jot down a few thoughts that were swimming around in my head after my marathon sprint through some pretty heavy Scriptures. That’s when it hit me.
A spiritual cascade erupted from my heart, the likes of which you wouldn't believe. It was that quintessential moment of discernment when you know God is calling out to you to arise, be ready and stand watch, because he has something for you to do. A clarion call to war. It’s a feeling I immediately recognized, but I was shocked at how powerful it was. I've felt it many times in my walk so far, but only once had I ever “heard” the call anywhere near so strongly. As a matter of fact, it wasn't a call. It wasn't even a yell. It was as though God grabbed a megaphone, planted it on my chest, and was screaming into me. It felt like I’d been stabbed through the heart with gigantic shot of spiritual adrenaline.
My first reaction was to check my pulse to make sure I actually wasn't experiencing some sort of physiological breakdown. Nope, I had a perfectly normal resting heart-rate. It definitely wasn't physical. It was so powerful, nonetheless, that I literally stood and began to pacing around in my office, trying to mentally process what was going on. The subject matter of my reading prompted me to look out the window and check the sky. Was Jesus back? Nope, at least not in the strikingly obvious manner described in Revelation. I sat down and checked the news headlines. Anything there? Nope, nothing apocalyptic anyway. How about Facebook or Twitter, anything there? Nope, not status or tweet in sight that seemed to merit my attention in spiritual warfare. So I fell back on the tried and true method. I started praying.
Unfortunately, I didn't really have a clue what to pray for, besides the obvious: “Please, just tell me what you want, Lord!” So I prayed for anything and everything that came to mind. Family, friends, church, work, any pressing needs I could think of in the lives I touch or the world in general. Yet none of that scratched the itch, as it were. I eventually ended the conversation with a final plea for clarity; what was this sudden sensation all about? I tried to get back to work, “tried” being the operative term.
Ding! I just about jumped out of my seat at the email notification. Maybe this is what it’s all about... Nope, just a coworker asking me to look into resolving a technical issue. That is my job, after all. I responded via instant message because I had ulterior motives. The particular technical problem couldn't be resolved immediately, but given that this coworker is a person of keen spiritual insight, I threw these exact words in after the conclusion of a business paragraph: “How’s your spirit feeling?” We proceeded to converse through IMs about my predicament.
Ring! I almost ended up on the floor again, this time after my phone rang. Maybe THIS is what it’s all about... Nope, it was just a faculty member covering their bases to see if I had any materials that would make their presentation for new faculty members any easier tomorrow. After dealing with that, I resumed my previous IM conversation, and that conversation continued on and off for the rest of the afternoon as work dragged on, with no firm solution presenting itself. I did have a late afternoon appointment with a guy who was delivering me a new chair. Maybe it had something to do with him. But chairman came and went with no spiritual experience taking place, unless sitting in a new chair qualifies as a spiritual experience.
As time progressed the feeling gradually faded. It didn't go away, not by any means. But if it had been a spiritual migraine before, it had now transitioned to an annoying thud in the back of my brain. Well, the back of my heart, actually, but I think you get the point. The end of the work day finally came around, but my coworker asked if I wouldn't mind staying on to talk some more about some of the things I had previously mentioned from my reading in Revelation. We continued to talk for more than an hour, especially focusing on the uncanny similarities between these present United States and the “prostitute” and “Babylon” characters described in chapters 17 and 18. We drifted to talking about the end of the Earth in general, pondering how close we are. Then, without warning, it happened.
In a sudden change of topic, my friend said, “You may be experiencing an awakening. Might need to fast.” Those aren't exactly the words I would have used, but they struck me square in the eyes. Why? Just yesterday I got it stuck in my head to write an essay called “Reawakening” to chronicle my recent thirst for Scripture. After writing a line or two, however, the extremely severe writers block that has plagued me for more than a year kicked in and I gave up. I hadn't told a soul. It couldn't be a coincidence that the concept of awakening had come up again. So I did what any rational person would do. I opened the document titled “Reawakening.” As I gazed at the mostly blank page the “migraine” smashed back to the forefront of my consciousness instantaneously, stronger than ever. Before and now, the “call” had come when I was staring at the blinking cursor of an open word processor. Clarity struck like a bolt of lightning.
I’m supposed to write!
And write I have.
Words have flowed from my fingers like never before.There is so much to say that the very flood has actually slowed me down. Trying to direct this avalanche of words into sensible syntax has been like trying to fill an eye dropper from a fire hydrant. It must indeed be an awakening, because I've never felt this “awake” before, no “re” about it. The health of my walk with God has always correlated with my ability to write, but only just now in these last few hours have I come to understand why that is. God didn't gift me with this ability just to produce entertaining essays or craft engaging stories. He gave it to me so that I could write about Him, and what He has revealed in Scripture. The writers block has been an attempt to get my attention, a way to make me look to the One who ultimately is the Source of my words and make Him the priority in their use. To beat a horse that died long ago, it’s not about me. Somewhere in all my writing, I had forgotten that.
With this awakened understanding, the well of words within me has transformed into a raging hurricane. I could write for pages about what God has shown me recently in Hosea, or the last 20 chapters or so of Isaiah, or Ecclesiastes, or Revelation. But alas I must stop here because, well, I've been at my desk for several hours after closing now, and my wife is waiting for me at home. I will however, say this:
Cason, His Truthmonger, is back. Stay tuned...